Monday, 13 March 2017

My mind's running wild

It's been a while since I've sat down and written a blog post, mostly because I haven't had a chance to sit down and just write, and when I have I've been so knackered from work and preparing things for Noah, that sitting at my computer screen is the last thing I want to do. 

I'm on maternity leave now, you know, those few weeks up until labour where people say you rest? Yeah, resting isn't quite happening. My rest is sitting down writing this and having a well-deserved coffee (after knackering my back tidying all day when I got back from the hospital!) My mind is running wild with everything I need to do. Everything I need to get ready for Noah. And nesting is in full swing. I'm cleaning EVERYTHING. For starters, I've ripped my room out (and found a lot of interesting things I didn't know I had) from top to bottom. 

It's funny, but when I left work Friday, I was worried I'd get bored on maternity leave... There's no chance of that! There's so much to do! I mean, we actually have everything we need for Noah. But me. I am not ready. I need to tidy. I need to pack my hospital bag, again and again.  And again. Keep going over my birthing plan (which probably won't go to plan anyway). Visit the hospital for numerous appointments. Go shopping for some last minute toiletries and outfits for my hospital bag. Maybe buy a new hospital bag? (Because you know, the one I have just isn't right). I need to do washing. Get my nails done. Get my hair done. Take Barney for walks. Go food shopping. And somewhere amongst all of this, actually RELAX. 

To top it off, my midwife said to me today that I may be experiencing early-labour contractions (and not just Braxton Hicks like I thought), so that's sent everyone into panic mode. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PUT THE CAR SEAT IN THE CAR YET?! Is my hospital bag ready?! Do I have everything for Noah?! Am I ready to be a mum?! *Side note: That evening I learnt how to put the car seat in the car & packed my hospital bag, 'cos you know, panic. 

I mean, personally, I don't feel like they are actual contractions. My belly is always tight isn't it? And surely I'd be in a lot more pain? They're probably just Braxton Hicks. Saying that, my mum was in labour for 3 days with me before she even knew. So. You just never know. Plus, being almost 38 weeks now, he could come at ANY time. Also, I have been experiencing a lot of other symptoms which are typical of "early labour symptoms", so the little guy is definitely getting ready to make a move now.

With just over 2 weeks until my due date (a maximum of 4 weeks of pregnancy left), I cannot contain my excitement to meet this little man I've been growing for the past 9 months. Of course, this is met with anxiety surrounding labour and becoming a mum and that general "fed up feeling" of being very heavily pregnant now.

Like, sh*t, I'm going to be a mum. What does this involve? What if I'm rubbish? What if he won't stop crying? What if he won't settle for me? What if I start feeling depressed again?

Am I ever going to lose this extra weight? Am I ever going to work full-time again? Am I ever going to want to leave our boy after maternity leave? How are we going to afford me working part-time? Why haven't we bought a house yet? When will we buy a house? Can we buy a house? 

As you can tell, my mind is running wild. Anxiety is taking over. And I'm having to keep pulling myself back to Earth and actually calming the heck down. Noah's (very many, very intense and very life-like - think a bum, back or arm sticking out of your side) kicks always help me stop for a moment and just realise how amazing this adventure has and is going to be. And I truly cannot wait. 

Here's to parenthood. See you soon!



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