Wednesday, 22 March 2017

Disconnected from the girl I used to be

"If you don't get lost, there's a chance you may never be found."

It’s been quite a while since I’ve done a mental health update and it’s honestly because: I’m fine. I feel better than I’ve felt in a very long time. I’ve had my fair shares of ups and downs, including suffering with depression, anxiety, eating disorders etc. But I honestly feel like I’ve reached a high peak, where I’m happy and I don’t know who that vulnerable girl is anymore. Of course, I still suffer with anxiety and have a few bad habits regarding food, but not to the point that it’s self-debilitating.

Just before I found out I was pregnant, my health started to quickly dwindle, especially with my eating. Me and Chris had hit and rough patch (and actually broke up briefly) and I’d just started a new job. Instead of this new point in my life (think new friends, new job, more free time) being exciting, it was ridden with anxiety. I didn’t have Chris by my side anymore. Friends were asking me to go out more regularly in situations that didn’t really suit me (think the clubbing lifestyle). And I honestly just wanted a black hole to swallow me up.

But then Chris and I got to talking again and started sorting things out. I came off my medication. And I realised I’d by far missed my period. So there we were, 12 weeks pregnant and soon to be parents. It was pretty daunting.

At the beginning I really struggled. I was torn between being so over the moon about our little miracle baby and being full of anxiety that I wasn’t fit to be a mother. Chris and I discussed moving in together again and starting looking at houses. I was experiencing a lot of pregnancy symptoms and post-medication symptoms. I was trying to impress still in my new job. So it’s no wonder it was a pretty tough time. But do you know what kept me going? I had Chris by my side once again and I was growing a beautiful human being inside of me. It couldn’t get any better than that.

But you know what I’ve realised today, 9 months pregnant (about to drop – hopefully soon please Noah). I’m fine. I don’t remember all those feeling very clearly anymore. I’m disconnected from that vulnerable girl, worrying about everything. But I have to say, I wouldn’t change these past few months for anything. While they were tough, they’ve taught me so much about myself, my relationship with Chris and about life in general. Chris and I decided to not waste our money renting and instead are saving to buy our first family home in a few months’ time. I feel better than ever not being on my medication. And I cannot wait to be a mummy.

It’s funny really looking back at 9 months ago me and I feel disconnected from her. But I also feel disconnected from that young, vulnerable, skinny 18 year old girl entering a private mental hospital and the person I was running up to that inpatient stay. Disconnected from the girl who left hospital on a high, but slowly dwindled down a destructive path once again. Disconnected from the shy girl who would cry herself to sleep most nights because she had no friends. I honestly don’t know who she is anymore and unless I really think about these times in my life, I hardly remember them.

I feel like I'm finally me.

Does that sound weird? Or is this just all part of growing up and “finding yourself”? Don’t get me wrong, I’ve still got a long way to go. I’m soon to become a mum for starters, which throws a total curve ball into the whole “who I am” situation. But you know what? I’m not scared, I’m excited! While I will never totally forget the bad experiences I’ve had because they’ve made the strong, independent person I am standing here today, I am so happy they don’t live with my every day and I’m so excited for the adventure I’m about to embark on…

Here’s to personal growth and the future. I CAN’T BLOODY WAIT.

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